7 Reasons to Celebrate #Heterosexualprideday

*Let me start by saying this is facetious.*

Today I read that #Heterosexualprideday was trending on Facebook.  Obviously, LGTB pride was necessary due to the decades/centuries spent fighting for marriage equality and other social injustices.  What have the heterosexuals in America really struggled with?  That’s a tough question.  Fortunately for you, I’ve dug deep.  Think kiddie-pool sized deep.  (I’ll skip the obvious, straights have found it impossible to change and become “homosexual” and seemingly they feel they are just “born this way.”)  And I’ve found 7 heterosexual struggles in America which are hard to ignore once brought to your attention.

1.) We fought for our right and freedom to divorce!

In the colonial times in the Massachusetts Bay a judicial tribunal granted divorces if there were cases of bigamy, adultery or desertion.  Even impotence!  By 1776 laws loosened, except women were not legally complete “people” in the USA so no horses or cabins were given to them;  All property was the ex-husband’s until the  The 1848 Married Women’s Property Acts.  Similar to restrictive states serving people who need abortions today, divorce was limited to states that would grant them- Utah, the Dakotas and Indiana- and the Congress deemed divorce a “problem.”  I think running out of laundry detergent is a problem, but that’s just my ignorance of heterosexual-pride issues I guess.divorce-rate

In the 1920s divorces went to trial.  Trial!  Imagine not just filling out paperwork and getting a divorce on demand!  The horror! Today, straight married people have come a long way, there are Family Courts to settle who gets the kids and when and “no fault” divorces.  Way to go heteros for making divorce part of American History!  I suggest a plaque or a statue on a courthouse celebrating this achievement.

2.) Arranged Marriages

In the Bible I believe we learn of giving away the bride to the groom who pays for the bride with gifts of livestock, property, or money (doweries) to be useScreen-Shot-2015-06-28-at-5.44.10-PMd as inheritance to the bride’s future children.  This practice went from ancient Babylon, to India, to China.  I’m no expert at arranged marriages, like I am an expert at what song came from which Nirvana album. They seem associated with India, Pakistan, and not really America but they can happen anywhere.  Usually parents arrange these marriages.  Google it!  I put the Wikipedia information in the second link of this paragraph.  This is something heterosexuals should take pride in!

3.) Mail Order Brides

mail order bridesThey have them in Russia!  The Ukraine!  Belarus!  If you have struggled to find a heterosexual marriage in your life, which is a real struggle for heterosexuals, then don’t fret, just order a bride.   Sadly, you can’t order one from Amazon yet because #thestruggleisreal. Radio personalities Opie and Anthony covered this culture on their show.   We can’t just celebrate chosen marriages or arranged marriages while ignoring purchased marriages.  This is a lot like cat-calling but actually getting the lady to marry you.  Kinda.

Catcall

4.) Teen Moms and Dads

QLMCmAuCxls.market_maxresHeterosexuals who become pregnant can show their struggles on MTV and make a lot of money off the hardship it is to be a heterosexual parent who’s not even 20 years old yet and unmarried.  See, not all heterosexuals can legally be married, there are age restrictions in every state.  That’s discrimination, just like why can’t I bring home a zebra from the zoo when I’d really, really, like totally want a zebra.  They’re so cute!  I want one!

5.) Horrible Prom Photos

promBefore it became commonplace to see couples of every sexual orientation at high school proms, heterosexuals have a long history of embarrassing prom photos.  These photos exist, and they are absolutely hilarious.  Thankfully, the LGBT community was spared this tyranny and banned from attending proms together for decades.  #LuckyToBeYou right?  I hope I see some LGBT prom pics in the comments below, you all need to catch up!

6.) Twilight

mainbg

7.) Polygamy

Heterosexual males who want more want more than one wife are often left out of the marriage debate altogether.  In a world where Deadpool can become the highest grossing R rated movie of all time it is tragic polygamy is not even legal in the USA.  Where have our heterosexual standards gone?  And yes, Deadpool may or may not be a heterosexual I only mention him because the movie was badass.  Polygamy Pic

*Honorable Mention:  Interracial Marriage.  Before gay/lesbian marriage was legalized by the Supreme Court in 2015, there was this matter called civil rights for people commonly referred to as “black Americans” or “people of color.”  In 1967 ended this time of discrimination against “whites” marrying “blacks” with the case of Loving v. Virginia ruling by the Supreme Court.   Up until that time in history, discrimination was limited to education, housing, and employment among much, much more.  Interracial marriage ended a long struggle in heterosexual coupling in being able to choose to love any person of the opposite sex despite the color of their skin.

~updated 7/2/2016~

 

 

 

5 Last Minute Christmas Gifts

It’s been awhile since I did a personal blog and as my gift to you this Christmas I’m writing a holiday-themed blog.  The time I’ve spent working on this writing is vastly more priceless than any store-bought present.  In fact, this list of Last Minute Christmas Gifts will cost you virtually nothing but your time and a heart brimming with the joy of giving to others.

Much like a cat who sleeps, eats, chases a ball of yarn, and scratches your arm, this list is in no apparent order.

  1. Season’s Eatings– For that hard to shop for chef in your life, I recommend wrapping up classic food staples they can apply to virtually any recipe.  Walk into any fast food joint with thzzzzeeem1e focus and conzzzzeem2centration of a tightrope walker.  Head immediately to the condiments and while you’re there, pick up a few napkins too.  How to wrap:  Place inside a sandwich bag or one of your socks that you can’t find a match for.  Tape, staple, or glue onto a mantle or hang from a tree.  Any tree will do, just make sure the recipient has directions to said tree.
  2. A Taste of Christmas- How are you going to be able to eat holiday treats and dinners without silverware?  Why would you want to do any dishes on Christmas?  Problem solved:  While you’re picking up salt and ketchup packets, pick up some plastic sporks, spoons, and forks to help set the table for family and friends.  Who doesn’t like to eat?  How to wrap: Look for individually wrapped utensils.  Bonus points if you can find the gift set with salt and pepper packets AND a napkin.  zzzzeem3
  3. For the Book Lover in Your Life- Head to the library.  Pick up a flyer or brochure of the library’s special events and/or services offered at the library.  Fold in half, then fold in half again.  Write gift recipient’s name on the front.  If inclined, scrawl something witty on it, such as “A million books for you because you’re worth a million to me!”
  4. Playing Santa- In an Oregon mall they had a Hipster Santa, who wore a flannel shirt instead of the traditional red jacket with white fur trim.  (Is it real fur?  Where’s PETA on this?)  It’s scientific fact that a child who is paid a personal visit by Santa saves you over $50 dollars on taking photos with Santa at the mall.  Kids who get home visits from Santa are two-times more likely to graduate from high school and four-times more likely to open the door to strangers who resemble Santa.  Help build your child’s confidence and trust in old bearded white men by dressing up as Santa and asking your kids, or friends’ kids, or any kid you want, what they want for Christmas.  Sleep restlessly after a night of heavy drinking at the thought of having lied to several kids, promising them X-boxes and bicycles and ponies you know damn well they are not getting.  Live a life of regret and shame.  Repeat. zzzzeem7
  5. Make the Practical Magical- Ever see those rolls of wrapped toilet paper sitting invitingly on toilet tanks in some diners?  Those are like hotel shampoos (also a great gift!) and they are there for you to stuff into your oversized purse or man-bag.  Nothing is worse than having a houseful of guests, the halls decked, the goose cooked on the table, the egg nog spiked with cheap rum, than forgetting to have stocked up on toilet paper.  Give yourzzzzeem4.jpg host or hostess of your family party something to tear up about.  Those are tears of joy.  And toilet tissue can dry those tears as well.  Also, they make great tree-toppers.  If already wrapped, no need to wrap it at all.  Also, makes a great flammable garland.

With these great last minute gift ideas, you won’t break the bank but you will break free the embarrassment of picking out a pricy gift that will end up tossed into the back of a closet, re-gifted or otherwise unwanted.

While I’m here, I also want to offer some unsolicited advice about writing gift tags.  Nothing is worse than an eight year old child finding a present under thzzzzeem6.pnge tree from Santa who spelled their name wrong.  Blame the wrappers at Macy’s all you want, but this is a sin against Christmas.  How to explain to the bewildered child, visibly upset that Santa forgot how to spell their name?  Blame it on a young elf who’s bad at spelling.  Whatever you do, don’t take the blame for being drunk on Christmas Eve and shakily struggling to write legibly on the gift tags.  (If this is the case, try writing To You, From Santa.  Sort out whose gifts are whose after the resulting fighting over the only Fire Sauce packet from Taco Bell.)

 

Pulling Teeth- Summer, Stress, and Oral Surgery

Considering my presence online has been sporadic at best this summer, a part of me feels it is necessary to fill everyone on why I took an extended break from writing.

I wish I could say I was on the white sandy beaches of Hawaii, or parasailing, or scuba diving. A series of panoramic photos of Europe on Facebook would have been nice, but I didn’t go overseas. I didn’t fill my time volunteering at soup kitchens, swimming, surfing, or relaxing in a hammock sipping a cool refreshing lemonade. What I did do was far more important than that, and this is some of that story.

Back in May, I made a huge decision to make positive life changes: Break up with my boyfriend of three years, move out of his parents’ house and get out of the country and into the city. I accomplished all of this, but not without a lot of hurdles.

Initially, I stayed with an artist friend of mine at his apartment. Visits with my kids meant keeping my ex-boyfriend around as our chauffeur. (I don’t drive because I can’t afford a car or the insurance to drive one.) A month later, I met up with a friend of mine, Mark, who was trying to get out of a shitty relationship. They both drank, but she was heading off to a sober house for sixth months so it gave him a chance to break away from the situation.

Together, along with his adorable (yet rambunctious) puppy, we stayed in a number of extended stay hotels and ordinary hotels. With a cute black lab-border collie mix in tow, many conversations with strangers complimenting Amy Winehouse (the dog) were had. In the meantime, without great Internet access, I put my writing on hold.

Long story short, my friend Mark was suffering from liver failure and although it probably would have made no difference, I regret he didn’t get into a hospital sooner. Because of the severity (0% chance of making it) of the liver damage, I learned in mid-July that it didn’t matter when he checked in. Perhaps, it was better he didn’t spend more than the 3 weeks he did in a hospital. Knowing Mark, he would have hated knowing he would die and have to stay confined to a bed as well.

On July 28, I lost one of my best friends. Yet, throughout the month of June he spent the majority of his time thinking of others and helping others. He worried his ex-girlfriend was entering into another non-effective round of rehab. He took Amy to visit the elderly at an assisted living home. He was adamant that I make appointments for a new pair of glasses and for my teeth.

I never show my teeth.  This photo is from 2005.

I never show my teeth. This photo is from 2005.

As I write this, I just took some Norco (hydrocodone/acetaminophen). I’m taking this narcotic because I just had five upper teeth pulled. At the relatively young age of 33, I have to get upper dentures. (I can’t afford the implants. Maybe one day I will.)

When I arrived at the dentist office, my favorite dentist (the one Mark said was awesome, and who was also Mark’s dentist) was not there and I had a replacement dentist. My favorite assistant, Dave, was there. He asked me if I knew there were a lot of sick people in this world. I could have went on a long tirade about AA at that point, but then he put on the TV and I was shocked to hear the Subway guy Jared was guilty of child porn charges and underage sex.

The shock didn’t end there. I must have heard my doctor, Adam (last name too difficult to even pronounce, so I don’t even try) wrong. First they extract the teeth, and then they make the impressions for the dentures. So far, the replacement dentist was not as skilled at calming me down as Adam is. Dave stops in and tells me to hang in there, we’ll get me smiling again, and I’ll save up and come back in for implants. He and Dr. Adam know I have PTSD and anxiety and Dr. Replacement does not. I feel no friendly connection with her, she seems unapproachable. Just there to get her work done and go home.

We agree to only pull half of the ten teeth I have left on top. The pushing and pressure on my skull felt as though my skull was going to get fractured in the process. Let alone, Dr. Replacement has turned on Law & Order SVU and the topic is a serial rapist and I’m experiencing some triggers. Not only did my rapist slam my jaw into a concrete porch, and because of him I became a felon, I partially blame having little to no dental care for over a decade on the condition I am currently in.

Those teeth have to be fake, this is computer generated I think.

Those teeth have to be fake, this is computer generated I think.

33 years old and getting dentures with tears streaming down the sides of my face, onto my ears, as I freak out every time I feel my skull will crack. My crying and verbal “ouches” are scaring Dr. Replacement. Dave isn’t my assistant, it is some guy who I can barely understand his English. They are doing their best with a very difficult patient, who is afraid they’ll mess up the procedure. I want Dr. Adam. I want Dave there. I want to scream.

One tooth pulled is not the end of the world, but five teeth pulled at once is a commitment. I can blame sugar and lack of brushing all I want, but most of this was caused from terrible teeth grinding. Anyone’s who had the displeasure of sleeping within close proximity of me, across a hall, or in the next room, knows my teeth grinding sounds like a zombie gnashing on a severed arm to the bone.

This is the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, maybe scarier than giving birth. I realize a lot of people find it funny to make fun of people without teeth. Hillbillies. Trailer Park Trash. Meth Head. Crack Head. A guy missing a couple teeth has “character.” A girl missing some of her teeth is “disgusting.” Butter Teeth: As in, she is pretty, “butter” teeth are nasty.

These are not my teeth but this is an approximation of what I've been hiding every time I eat, talk, or have a photo taken of me.

These are not my teeth but this is an approximation of what I’ve been hiding every time I eat, talk, or have a photo taken of me.

I never smile with my teeth showing. I hated my teeth since my adult teeth came in. They were small, didn’t look right with my face, and made me feel like a freak. I welcome fake teeth. I welcome the idea of being able to smile, to laugh, to eat without worrying how I am chewing. To talk without worrying how I form each sound I make. I haven’t been able to do that for nearly ten years since my teeth started to chip and eventually those teeth started to decay.

I am not ashamed to tell everyone this if it helps someone else out there going through something similar. That is why I’m not depressed about the dental work, although I am anxious about getting used to wearing dentures. I found this video online, and even though it’s not me, I thought I’d share it here anyway.

Will keep you posted on my journey, but for now, I’m a little bit hungry and irritated I can’t nosh on something besides liquids and mushy stuff. Thanks for reading, and expect more writings since little toothless me will be home a lot more now.

(P.S. The woman who makes these denture videos did it for cosmetic reasons, which is not a real crazy idea.  Only my situation is not just for cosmetic purposes, I seriously never smile and can’t wait until I can again.)

Last Minute Lent Fashion Tips

Easter is almost here.  Folks in Northeast America, like myself, also call this “the end of Winter.”  We celebrate the approaching swimsuit season by going on a crash diet called “Lent.”  Lent is believed to be French for “even though I don’t go to church or read the Bible I’m giving up junk food for 40 days.”

Did you know there are fashions designed specifically for Lent?  (Although, some say it’s bad luck to wear certain wardrobe pieces on Fridays… but traditions are meant to be broken, right?)  I tried to organize these accordingly but since I’m in a hurry these are in no apparent order.

1.) Fry-Days

These cheeseburger socks….

Tasteful and tasty.  Lent never looked this good.

Tasteful and tasty. Lent never looked this good.

are appropriate for strolling the mall or the church aisles, preferably in plaid shorts and a polo shirt but that’s just my opinion.  Not too bold, not too boring, these are classy yet whimsical.  (They even have fries on ’em!) Get a pair for the entire family.

2.) Film and Fashion Frenzy

Lent is a great time to watch movies while you’re forcing yourself to starve.  No better movie is Meatballs.  Especially if you like outer-space and comedies.  This 1979 movie rocked, but if you ask me, this blog isn’t a movie review so just click the link to learn more from IMDB.

In the meantime, let’s focus on fashion… I couldn’t find a Meatballs movie t-shirt so instead I just looked up t-shirts about meatballs.  (There is also that cartoon about it being Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.. and a sequel… and that’s another great Lenten entertainment option for the whole family.  Ok, now back to whatever I was saying before.  Oh yeah, t-shirts about meatballs.  It’s simple, yet functional and fun.  Perfect for 40 days of Lent festivities.

Don't be a Lenten loser... get this t-shirt!

Don’t be a Lenten loser… get this t-shirt!

3.) 40 Days of Frills and Fashion

I know it’s tough to decide what to wear in the morning.  Especially during Lent.  And especially if you’re throwing a huge rocking party and want to dress to impress.  Not only is the cheeseburger costume adorable, it’s a crowd pleaser.  Your friends will literally drool with jealousy and envy.  “Hey who’s that cool person loitering by the chips and dip?  Too cool to approach wearing that jazzy ensemble.  I think I’ll just sip my punch and wait for them to approach me.”

The life of the Lenten party!

The life of the Lenten party!

4.) Subtle yet Scrumptious

Imagine yourself, hymnal in hand, at church services wearing these bodacious knee-socks.  Not only will you look Lenten-chic, you’ll remind other churchgoers the true reason for the season is bacon.   These have a shelf life beyond Lent, suitable for poolside sun protection, weddings, and job interviews.

I don't think you understand the power of bacon socks.

I don’t think you understand the power of bacon socks.

5.) Easter Morning Finest

If you’re anything like me, you want to look your best.  And on Easter morning the first thing you’re thinking is, “Damn, I can finally go off my diet. Finally!  I mean, like I can’t believe I survived 40 days of this bull-donkey Lenten crap.  What was I thinking?

And it’s not just us adults that have suffered.  The kids have suffered too.  So teach them early that the real great thing about Easter is the feast and the fashion.  Of course, the fashion.  Get ’em ready the night before in these totally-made-for-the-end-of-Lent pajamas.

These “Bacon Makes Everything Better” pajamas teach children a valuable life lesson about how bacon makes everything better.  Morals are good for kids to have, so I recommend buying them these from the Fun Kidz company.  I’m not paid to endorse this I just think kidz are fun and agree with that idea.  And I love bacon.  I don’t care if that’s “2013” of me to say.  I don’t care if you think I’m behind the times.  Times may change.  But bacon remains delicious.

That’s all I’ve got gals, guys.  Happy Lent to all!  Thanks for reading!

That's all I got guys... happy clothes wearing and happy spring!

That’s all I got guys… happy clothes wearing and happy spring!

Welcome to Burning River Roller Derby

For a rough sport that challenges as well as entertains it’s good to hear Cleveland’s roller derby organization dropped the use of “girls” from its title. As far as I know, these women are all over 18.
“Burning River is made up of a diverse group of skaters, officials, and volunteers, many of whom do not identify as ‘girls,’ ” according to Midnight Smack, the league’s president. She noted that the word “girl” denotes a child and also that many integral contributors to our league are men. In addition to being more representative of our members, the new name is more welcoming to trans and non-binary skaters, which is in keeping with policies recently put in place by BRRD.

“I hope our new name draws attention back to the sport of roller derby and to the athleticism of the skaters,” Midnight Smack said.

Burning River Roller Derby

PrintExciting things are happening at Burning River!

First, if you hadn’t already noticed, we’ve officially changed our name from Burning River Roller Girls to Burning River Roller Derby. Subtle? Maybe, but it means a great deal to our skaters.

The league made this change to better highlight the sport of roller derby and the athleticism of the skaters, as well as more accurately reflect who we are as an organization.

“I hope our new name draws attention back to the sport of roller derby and to the athleticism of the skaters.” ~ Midnight Smack.

“Burning River is made up of a diverse group of skaters, officials, and volunteers, many of whom do not identify as ‘girls,’ ” according to Midnight Smack, the league’s president. She noted that the word “girl” denotes a child and also that many integral contributors to our league are men. In addition to being more representative of our members, the new name…

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Top 7 Halloween Pranks for the Lazy and Uninspired

As Halloween approaches, many of us ponder what to wear or what candy we plan to throw out.  (That Brach’s orange and black taffy- yuck!) We forget, however, that Halloween is not just about pulling off a sexy nurse outfit or last minute scary clown costume.  Halloween is about pulling pranks.  In fact, several reports indicate Halloween is the second most prank-able holiday behind April Fools’ Day.  To save you time, and spare your brain cells hard work, I’ve compiled safe for all ages pranks that cost you literally nothing but the few minutes it takes to skim this article.

1.)  The Soda Can from Hell

What you will need:  A soda can (or another beverage in a can), a safety pin or pushpin, and a thirsty person.

How to pull off this prank:

Step One:  Grab a can of soda and a safety pin and make sure the thirsty person is not nearby.
Step Two:  Holding the can (while unopened) as though you are about to drink it, make sure the closed mouth of the can is facing your mouth.  I cannot stress enough how important this step is, and many have ruined this prank by doing Step Two wrong.  If you get frustrated, take a time out, breathe deep breaths, and start over again.
Step Three:  Stab the can with your pin of choice roughly an inch below the edge of the metal lip.  (See my drawing for accurate stabbing.)  You only need one pinhole, but if you think you can get away with two or more stab away, Stabby McStabby.
Step Four:  Holding the can upright, as to avoid leakage, gently hand the can over to the thirsty person.
Step Five:  Laugh hysterically as the thirsty person spills beverage over themselves.  Hahahahaha!

The red lines are NOT part of the soda can. #Bollocks I know.  I shouldn't really have to explain that to you.

The red lines are NOT part of the soda can. #Bollocks I know. I shouldn’t really have to explain that to you.

2.) The Melted Ice Challenge

This prank is not for the faint of heart or very young or small children.  Seriously!  You’re a heartless, lawbreaking, chicken butted jerk if you try this prank on anyone under 21.  Ok, now that I’ve warned you, it’s prank time:

You’ll need a source of drinking water for this prank and a cup, glass, or goblet.  Next, tell an unsuspecting friend if they ever heard of Melted Ice Vodka, a new brand from the Netherlands.  They’ll either say no or lie to you and say yes because they’re liars.  You’ll ask yourself why you are friends with a liar, but don’t distract yourself with existential questions.  You have a prank to do!  Hand this moron the glass of Melted Ice and tell them to chug it.  Laugh at them violently.  Knee slapping and pointing is not too extreme!  Later on,  cry yourself to sleep because you have really stupid friends who lie to you.  It’s the prank that hurts you more than it hurts them.

3.) Lights Out- Nobody’s Home

For this prank, do not turn on your porch lights outside your home.  Sit outside in a comfortable lawn chair (costume optional).  Watch as trick-or-treaters walk by and pass up your home.  Laugh maniacally if they spot you and approach you.  Refuse to offer them any of your candy (if you have any candy).  If you have candy, eat it in front of them.

4.) Pretend You’re Not Over 20

Warning:  Must be 21 or over to do this prank!!!

This prank involves skill and commitment.  Background in character acting preferred but not required.  First off, choose a believable popular costume.  I suggest Twilight Sparkle from My Little Pony or Batman from Batman the animated series, produced by Warner Bros. Animation in the “Dark Deco” style, which aired on Fox from 1992 to 1995– Not the Batman played by Michael Keaton or Christian Bale in the movie franchises or Adam West in the TV series.

If you’re not creative and probably really poor, I’ve heard Person with Fake Mustache works just as well, and can be done for nearly nothing if you already own an eyeliner pencil or a black Sharpie marker (See image below).

THIS is NOT eyeliner.

THIS is NOT eyeliner.

THIS is EYELINER.

THIS is EYELINER.

Once you have your preferred costume chosen, make sure you also have a pillowcase.  Re-useable shopping tote bags will also work.  Either way, you will only need one bag-like apparatus to pull off this prank.  Easy!

Lastly, leave your home, apartment, or double wide trailer.  It doesn’t even have to be your own home, just be sure you are outside, and in a well-lit neighborhood.  Go door-to-door and knock on the door.  Or, ring the doorbell.  Sometimes, an adult stranger will be outside holding a bowl of candy.  Cheerfully say loudly and firmly:  “Trick Or Treat!”  Accept the candy.  Go to more houses and repeat.

*Check your local community trick-or-treat hours.  Google is a helpful tool to find out when your city celebrates Halloween.

5.)  We’re Out of Candy

There will be a lot of kids trick-or-treating and they’ll be dressed like Tinkerbell, pirates, and that Scream mask from the Scream movie series dude.  No matter what they are wearing, be sure to compliment them.  “Oh… that is an adorable pumpkin!”  Or, “Wow, what a scary Ninja Turtle you are!”  After you tell the cute little costumed kiddies how amazing they look, shrug helplessly.  Say with conviction, “I’m sorry though, I’m all out of candy.”

If you wish to kick up this prank a notch, you can pretend you have only one piece of candy left.  This is a great prank if there are two or more children at your door.  Play eeny meeny miney moe and give to the winner.

Or, offer something else.  A can of corn, if you can spare one.  A roll of toilet paper.  A nickel.  Your first born child.  The options are endless, be creative, and remember, it’s only a harmless prank!

7.) The Trick

I have to admit, this prank is the best.  Traditionally, the question is “Trick or treat?”  So, when you are asked this question over and over again, by every child, respond, “Trick.”

They’ll likely giggle nervously, thinking you’re joking.  With a straight face, assure them you are not joking.  “I said trick.  Do you know any tricks?  Can you do a hand stand?  Can you pull a rabbit out of your hat?”

More than likely, the kids were not trained to perform any tricks.  They didn’t practice card tricks or juggling.  They are basically lazy, unskilled, ingrates.  They don’t deserve any candy.  They don’t even have real jobs, they’re just kids.  This isn’t a socialist country.  We can’t just hand over treats out of the kindness of our hearts.

The Moral of This Story

Halloween is a selfish holiday, so go out there and celebrate your own way by spending as little money as possible.  Alternately, skip all the pranks and stay inside instead, playing Candy Crush, gorging on Skittles and Snickers bars.  Alternatively, eat a salad, I mean, the candy goes on sale November 1st.  Order a pizza.  Go back to Prank Number Six. Watch a scary movie.  Read my blog.

Happy Halloween!!

A Message from the Author

I am not a vegan, however, if you are… you are apparently surviving on a Halloween diet all year round.  I think I might be converting.

Ask your doctor before attempting this Vegan Diet.

Ask your doctor before attempting this Vegan Diet.