*Let me start by saying this is facetious.*
Today I read that #Heterosexualprideday was trending on Facebook. Obviously, LGTB pride was necessary due to the decades/centuries spent fighting for marriage equality and other social injustices. What have the heterosexuals in America really struggled with? That’s a tough question. Fortunately for you, I’ve dug deep. Think kiddie-pool sized deep. (I’ll skip the obvious, straights have found it impossible to change and become “homosexual” and seemingly they feel they are just “born this way.”) And I’ve found 7 heterosexual struggles in America which are hard to ignore once brought to your attention.
1.) We fought for our right and freedom to divorce!
In the colonial times in the Massachusetts Bay a judicial tribunal granted divorces if there were cases of bigamy, adultery or desertion. Even impotence! By 1776 laws loosened, except women were not legally complete “people” in the USA so no horses or cabins were given to them; All property was the ex-husband’s until the The 1848 Married Women’s Property Acts. Similar to restrictive states serving people who need abortions today, divorce was limited to states that would grant them- Utah, the Dakotas and Indiana- and the Congress deemed divorce a “problem.” I think running out of laundry detergent is a problem, but that’s just my ignorance of heterosexual-pride issues I guess.
In the 1920s divorces went to trial. Trial! Imagine not just filling out paperwork and getting a divorce on demand! The horror! Today, straight married people have come a long way, there are Family Courts to settle who gets the kids and when and “no fault” divorces. Way to go heteros for making divorce part of American History! I suggest a plaque or a statue on a courthouse celebrating this achievement.
2.) Arranged Marriages
In the Bible I believe we learn of giving away the bride to the groom who pays for the bride with gifts of livestock, property, or money (doweries) to be used as inheritance to the bride’s future children. This practice went from ancient Babylon, to India, to China. I’m no expert at arranged marriages, like I am an expert at what song came from which Nirvana album. They seem associated with India, Pakistan, and not really America but they can happen anywhere. Usually parents arrange these marriages. Google it! I put the Wikipedia information in the second link of this paragraph. This is something heterosexuals should take pride in!
3.) Mail Order Brides
They have them in Russia! The Ukraine! Belarus! If you have struggled to find a heterosexual marriage in your life, which is a real struggle for heterosexuals, then don’t fret, just order a bride. Sadly, you can’t order one from Amazon yet because #thestruggleisreal. Radio personalities Opie and Anthony covered this culture on their show. We can’t just celebrate chosen marriages or arranged marriages while ignoring purchased marriages. This is a lot like cat-calling but actually getting the lady to marry you. Kinda.
4.) Teen Moms and Dads
Heterosexuals who become pregnant can show their struggles on MTV and make a lot of money off the hardship it is to be a heterosexual parent who’s not even 20 years old yet and unmarried. See, not all heterosexuals can legally be married, there are age restrictions in every state. That’s discrimination, just like why can’t I bring home a zebra from the zoo when I’d really, really, like totally want a zebra. They’re so cute! I want one!
5.) Horrible Prom Photos
Before it became commonplace to see couples of every sexual orientation at high school proms, heterosexuals have a long history of embarrassing prom photos. These photos exist, and they are absolutely hilarious. Thankfully, the LGBT community was spared this tyranny and banned from attending proms together for decades. #LuckyToBeYou right? I hope I see some LGBT prom pics in the comments below, you all need to catch up!
Heterosexual males who want more want more than one wife are often left out of the marriage debate altogether. In a world where Deadpool can become the highest grossing R rated movie of all time it is tragic polygamy is not even legal in the USA. Where have our heterosexual standards gone? And yes, Deadpool may or may not be a heterosexual I only mention him because the movie was badass.
*Honorable Mention: Interracial Marriage. Before gay/lesbian marriage was legalized by the Supreme Court in 2015, there was this matter called civil rights for people commonly referred to as “black Americans” or “people of color.” In 1967 ended this time of discrimination against “whites” marrying “blacks” with the case of Loving v. Virginia ruling by the Supreme Court. Up until that time in history, discrimination was limited to education, housing, and employment among much, much more. Interracial marriage ended a long struggle in heterosexual coupling in being able to choose to love any person of the opposite sex despite the color of their skin.